Misery Business
by superkool3
Summary: Ellie's a masochist and Criag's bipolar and on drugs. They're perfect for eachother. Ellies POV ONESHOT


**Ok. So this is my 1st story on here I actually like so i hope it gets some good reviews. The song is misery business by paramore. Its basically Ellies thoughts on the events in WIFLTBAG and the aftermath of Craig comming aback all in Ellies POV**

* * *

_I'm in the business of misery; let's take it from the top._

I'm starting to think im a masochist. It would explain everything. Why I hid my mothers drinking problem, why I never told my dad, why I resorted to cutting, and why I ever got involved with Craig Manning. I liked the pain. At first it was the pain from being the burden of watching him for Ashley. Then it was the pain from starting to like him, even though he was my best friends ex and was a renowned cheater. Next, the pain from being just the best friend. Finally the pain of him choosing Manny. You would think if I was aware of my masochism I would be able to stop it. Control the sick wanting of this pain. But no, not Ellie Nash. After what felt like a mere day, I came crawling back, being the reliable one. The one he could talk to 24/7. I hated myself for becoming the walking mat I had been to him. I was exactly like my mother, which was something I really didn't want or need to acknowledge. So I plastered a smile onto my face and told him to go. As soon as I gave him my approval he bolted and I couldn't be mad because I had let him. Stupid me. He came back with an addiction. Something that could have been prevented if I had just told him to stay. I knew it wasn't my fault but for some reason blaming myself was easier to do than to blame Craig. Well technically the 1st thing I did was blame Manny but that's not the point. If I could just help him He would be ok. He wouldn't be the shady rock star who messed up a gig with Taking Back Sunday anymore. He would be my best friend. The boy next door that was everything but the boy next door who I was madly in love with.

_  
She's got a body like an hourglass that's ticking like a clock._

I told him to go. He didn't. I waited sitting in that stupid chair, snapping that damn rubber band that I forgot even hung around my wrist. I was waiting for his set to finish so I could yell at him. This time I wasn't lying to myself I was really going to do it. He couldn't give me that look with those perfect brown eyes of his and make me forget about how badly he messed up. For once I wasn't going to go to mush with him.

All those thoughts were so much easier when he wasn't right in front of me.

I slammed his dressing room door closed behind me; he looked up from getting all the blood off his face, and ran to his jacket trying to find it. IT. The thing that managed to ruin him. It was the poison he loved more than anything else. I knew it when his eyes darted to my hands focusing on the little bag while I talked. He watched it swing back and forth from my motions. I wanted to throw it out the window to see if he would jump after it, but that would mean no more Craig and no matter how mad at him I was I could never do that. The 1st time he looked at me he basically threw words at my face, if that was possible.

"I love you."

I could have passed out from the rush those stupid words gave me. It was pathetic but it didn't matter. His lips were on mine, quick and rough, not at all as I imagined they would be. His hands hastily trailed my side, following its shape, but not gently gliding across the fabric on my skin, but almost roughly petting it, as if grooming a mangy dog. Even though I knew it was all wrong I said I loved him too and meant it. Even though deep down I knew he was lying to me I decided to tell him the truth.

_  
It's a matter of time before we all run out,_

"Don't make me stop."

My heart stopped beating. Dramatic as it sounds its true. I actually believed him. I had even giggled a little. The way his hands tried to grab the bag from mine, treating the stupid bag with gentler hands then he had me I lost it. Pushing him away and throwing the bag at him I left him. The boy who could do no wrong in my eyes had managed to commit the biggest crime towards me. He crushed me. Sure when he picked Manny it hurt. I was in a dress for Christ's sake just for him and I was over looked for the one with the ruined reputation and mini skirt. But at least then he still cared enough to be the same guy. Now he wasn't Craig. He was just another addict willing to throw his life away for a fix. Even though I was heart broken I couldn't let him do this to himself. I would be there when Manny wasn't because I was his best friend. I loved him more than she did, even if he couldn't see it.

He was on the 1st flight to Calgary Joey could buy. I was there, not to see him off, but to break all ties with him. It didn't matter how much I loved him, or how much he apologized. The hurt look on his face when I said Spike was there to make sure he got on the plane could be over looked. So could his remark about meaning what he said. I was done. Even if that was a lie at the time I would force myself to believe it. I couldn't worry about what was best for him anymore. He ruined it. He ruined us. _  
When I thought he was mine she caught him by the mouth._

"Ellie are you ok?" I looked up to find Marco and Dylan staring at me. I smiled and nodded, focusing back on my plate of chicken alfredo. The thoughts of Craig had been coming more frequently now and I hated it. I managed to forget about him for a couple of months but now it was all rushing back to me. It was rather annoying actually. Especially when I had to keep it from Marco. Sometimes that kid was too observant and god forbid he take no for an answer. I can never just stare into space without it being a 'Craig lapse' as he likes to call them. He was right on target each and every time he checked what's wrong but I never admitted to it. I couldn't admit that I now thought of his rehab the same way I would think of another woman. She had him, I didn't. The logic was simple but so amazingly messed up. He wasn't mine, I had asked for it. I didn't want druggy Craig. But what was I going to do when he wasn't druggy Craig anymore.

_  
I waited eight long months,_ _She finally set him free._

He got better. He managed to go through 8 months of rehab and get clean. He had a whole list of people to see and apparently I was number one. He had knocked on the door and I slammed it in his face. Now I was hallucinating. Fantastic. I rubbed my temples as the doorbell rang.

"Ellie. Please."

I stopped in my tracks. This wasn't real. It couldn't be. I went back to the door and opened it slowly.

"Can we talk?"

I opened the door letting him in against my will and my better judgment. The past months have been me trying to erase him from my life. It wasn't hard. He didn't call or write. I had Jesse, well not anymore, but at the time I did, and letting him in the house could only lead to trouble. My head was screaming at me, telling me to just tell him to leave.

"Have a seat."

_  
I told him I can't lie he was the only one for me._

I sat across from him, glaring. He was uncomfortable. The way his hand ran through his hair and then trailed across his neck was a dead give away. Normally I would have said something to make him laugh or bring him something to eat or drink just to bring him back in his comfort zone. But now she just glared.

"How have you been?"

He looked at me desperately, hoping I would say something to lessen the tension in the room. I just shrugged.

"Look El. I know you probably hate me." Go figure genius. "But I cant go on with you thinking im a liar. I meant it when I said I loved you. I always have. But Manny was familiar and loving you scares the crap out of me." I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. "You're amazing and everything I could ask for. You could be the one and with the possibility of me messing that up, like I always do killed me." By now he was pacing, each striding inching toward me. Finally he was right in front of me, him standing tall, panting slightly from his ranting and me curled up, knees in my chest, my glared turned to a gape.

"But im here, 8 months later and clean. To tell you I love you. And I don't plan on stopping."

I knew if I forgave him I would be that walking mat again. The stupid welcome mat that I hated and was exactly like my mother would resurface after 8 months of memories. Knowing that I stood up, on the chairs cushion, and looked down at him.

"I hate you for doing that to me." He opened his mouth to say something, from the look on his face it was probably to admit defeat, but I interrupted, crashing my lips onto his. I did hate him. But like a lot of things with Craig Manning, that didn't matter.

_  
Two weeks and we had caught on fire,_

I still hated him. I would never be able to fully forgive him. But now whenever I thought about it we would make out and the thought seemed to float to the back of my mind. It wasn't a healthy way to start a relationship that way, im able to admit that, but me and Craig aren't exactly the most healthy people ever. I think it was more important to know that we were in love and he was done with the drugs. That was the most important thing after all. I knew when he held me that we were supposed to be together and that was enough for me to be happy. He said it was all for me. It scared me when he said that, I thought his self value should be enough for him to stop, but I was glad that he had a reason to break the hold it had on him.

_  
She's got it out for me, but I wear the biggest smile._

I caught him using. It was on the bathroom floor of all places. He was hunched over, sobbing, repeating 'im so sorry' over and over again. We were having a dinner party and he had excused himself from the table. When he was gone for a half an hour I went to look for him and I found this.

"What are you doing?"

He looked at me, shocked that he was caught. When his gaze met mine a tear rolled down my cheek and I closed the door.

The next morning there was a car waiting for him. He looked out the window and saw it, freaking out. "I swear Ellie I won't do it again!" As he screamed his promises to me I smiled. As sick and twisted as it was I smiled. He was lying again, something I thought he was done doing. He was throwing our relationship away and I was smiling as if he wrote a song for me or something. I always got the less than desirable end of the stick when it came to life in general. This was just another example of it all.

_Whoa, I never meant to brag. But, I got him where I want him now._

He left when I asked him to. I simply said to go and he left, like he done when he went to Vancouver. It wouldn't be that easy before but now the simplicity kind of hurt. My chest should be swelling with pride. I got him to get help. He was willing to get help this time. He was where he should be. I wanted him to get help and he was getting it. Some doctors work years to achieve that and I had done it in a day. But it wasn't a good thing. I even wish he showed more struggle, fighting to be with me. But once again me and Craig not exactly the healthiest people in the world.

_  
Whoa, it was never my intention to brag_

I actually got a letter this time. 3 pages. All telling of how sorry he was and how when he got out it was going to be better than it was before. It made me wonder if I could take him back after this. I would be an idiot to. He betrayed my trust twice, how many times would it take me to get it. Maybe we weren't meant to be. I could just stop all the madness now and end it, not having to worry about my boyfriend going away to rehab again. Never being scared to open a bathroom door. But I would never be able to get the same feeling as I would when I'm with him. That was the part that really scared me._  
To steal it all away from you now._

The next letter I got told of how this time around he thinks he's doing it better. He's going through stuff he didn't the 1st time that he thinks will turn out better for us. That's another thing he started doing. Its never just 'him' or 'me' its always us. It also spoke about how he understood why I never wrote him back. I was glad he did because I didn't. This time I wrote back. It wasn't even on a piece of paper. It was on a napkin that was in front of me at the time.

**'_I can't do this anymore.'_**

_But god does it feel so good, Cause I got him where I want him now._

He kept writing. I was starting to hurt. It really sunk in what I had done. I had officially cut all ties with him. It killed me. I should be happy but lets face it I never am happy. I get the guy and the drugs. I loose the drugs and the guy. Usually loose/loose situations. It wasn't until one Friday when I was watching this horrible sci fi movie that I started bawling my eyes out. I couldn't stop. The giant gator slash dinosaur eating the ditzy model left me sobbing. So I grabbed the car keys, knowing where it would lead me. _  
And if you could then you know you would.  
_"I thought you hated me." I was on the edge of his bed; the beige sheets the only inkling of color in his painfully white room. It took me 45 minutes and a plane ride to get me to him but I did it. "I do." My voice was just a whisper. "You know that." To any normal person this moment would be painful. But I just felt as numb as Craig looked. "Is everything going good?" My tone was bored, reflecting my mood. You would think since I went through so much to see him I would be a little more excited but I wasn't. That's how things went ever since he came back. "I'm gonna go." He stood up, I thought for a hug, but instead pulled me into a kiss. It was heated and desperate but it managed to absorb me completely in it.

_  
Cause god it just feels so...It just feels so good._

Having sex in a rehabilitation clinic didn't feel as weird as it sounds. Im sure if it was with anyone else then yes it would have been a giant blemish on your romance record. But for me and Craig it was special.

"I know you never mean it all those times you said you hated me."

I had to smile because I knew he was smiling his own goofy grin from his position behind me. "I know you never meant it when you did… it." His grasp around my bare waist tightened. "What's wrong with us?" He asked the question hung in the air not expecting an answer.

"I'm a masochist and you're bipolar and on drugs."

_  
Second chances they don't ever matter, people never change.  
Once a whore you're nothing more, I'm sorry, that'll never change.  
And about forgiveness, we're both supposed to have exchanged.  
I'm sorry honey, but I'm passing up, now look this way.  
Well there's a million other girls who do it just like you.  
Looking as innocent as possible to get to who,  
They want and what they like it's easy if you do it right.  
Well I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!_

He came back, yet again. I took him back again. We did more _stuff_ the same day. I think now it was just accepted that our relationship would never be normal. It would always be complicated and filled with both hate and love. I would always be his welcome mat and he would always be my heart breaker. I would always help him, even if it hurts us at the moment, and he will always need that help. It was, in a weird way, a co dependant relationship, just the most messed up one in existence. I never expected a fairytale ending from him, and I didn't really want one. I just wanted him to want me. He did. It was all perfect for us, especially for me.

Because now I definitely know that im just a masochist. And that suits me just fine._  
_


End file.
